Losing My Religion
by troatie
Summary: Oneshot "She’s not Meredith Grey. She’s the anti-Meredith Grey, actually. And he wonders if it’s possible to love them both." Set at the end of season 2. Addison/Derek, Derek/Meredith


Disclaimer: I own nothing at all.

A/N: This was written to the prompt "hotel" (even though it's hard to tell). Let me know what you think :)

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**10****. Losing My Religion**

"_What they're doing is not about love, Derek. It's...it's...well, it's like you."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_Like how you pretend to love me, but really you're just using me to fill some need you have to be a good guy."_

"_Now is not the time to talk about this. We'll talk about this later."_

"_You walk away? That's all I get?"_

"_Just calm down, please."_

"_What? What? You're not going to yell at me? Call me names? Or I don't know...ignore me in an elevator?"_

"_What do you want from me, Addison?"_

"_I want you to care! I sleep with your best friend and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face, and still you get a good night's sleep. What do I have to do? Oh! I know. Maybe what I should do is go out on a date with the vet. Because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage. Oh, but wait. That won't work either because I'm not Meredith Grey!"_

She's not Meredith Grey. She's the anti-Meredith Grey, actually. And he wonders if it's possible to love them both. If you can love two people that are each other's opposite. If you can love silky red curls and messy blond hair. Impossibly long legs and tiny ineffectual fists. Prada pumps and Converse sneakers. Tempting red lipstick and inviting lip gloss. Sarcastic remarks and silly banter.

Addison and Meredith.

He does love them both. But he's not in love with both of them. Sometimes, he wonders if he's in love with either of them, and he doesn't really know the answer. There are days when he sees Meredith, when he remembers the laughter, the passion and the freedom, and he thinks he does. He still loves Meredith Grey. There are other days, though, when he looks at Addison and remembers the friendship, the love and the safety, and he thinks it's her he loves. He loves Addison Shepherd.

And then there are most days. Most days, when he looks at Addison and sees betrayal, and he looks at Meredith and sees the chase. Was it the chase? Maybe, maybe not. Part of it was the thrill of doing something new. Being with an intern when he was an attending. Being with a new woman after fifteen years. She was a breath of fresh air. She really was. But was that enough? Was fresh air enough to build a relationship? And was betrayal enough to destroy one?

Sometimes, he thinks it was.

Other times, though, when he lets that small voice in his head get a say, he knows it wasn't.

"_I was indifferent. You know in New York before Mark. I was just... indifferent towards you."_

"_Yes"_

"_I was absent."_

"_Yes."_

"_I'm partly to blame for what's happened to our marriage."_

"_Yeah."_

"_I'm sorry... I'm working on it."_

"_Ok."_

Is he working on it? Yes. And no. He doesn't bring up Mark anymore, or at least not as often. He tries to come home at a normal time most nights. He talks to her on the ferry. He helps her find her shoes when she misplaces them, and he grills the fish outside. He's working on it.

And he sends longing glances Meredith's way when he catches her eyes. He thinks about her when he kisses her wife, sometimes. Most times. He smells her hair when she gets close. He gets jealous of the vet. He stays with her at the hospital instead of going home to his wife. He's not working on it.

Maybe that's not the point. Maybe the important question here is not whether he's working on it. Maybe the important question is whether he wants to work on it.

Does he want to work on it, and get his marriage back? Or does he want to stop working, and get his fresh air back?

"_Addison..."_

"_I don't want to talk about it."_

"_All right."_

"_I mean we've come so far. You forgave me for Mark, and we're trying."_

"_We are."_

"_We are trying."  
"We're trying."_

"_And I was jealous when there was no need to be. Right?"_

"_Addison?"_

"_What?"_

"_Will you go to the prom with me?"_

And here they are, at the prom. Trying. Or not. Dancing with her, but looking over her shoulder. Opposites again. And again he wonders if he can love them both. And, the truth is, he does. Love them both. And maybe it's illogical to love two women as different as them, but it's impossible not to love two women like them.

It's impossible not to love Addison. Addison, with her long auburn hair braided for the night. Addison, with the inviting red dress that makes her legs look even longer, if that's even possible. Addison with the warm eyes and even warmer skin. Addison with the way he fits in his arms. It's impossible not to love her.

And it's impossible not to love Meredith. Meredith, with her golden curls cascading down her back, a change from the usual messy ponytail. Meredith, with the sparkly black dress that hugs her body in just the right places. Meredith with the innocent smile and impossibly blue eyes. Meredith with the way she takes his breath away. It's impossible not to love her.

It's a moment. A fraction of a second. One of those instants that turn your life upside down. It's a look. It's Meredith whispering something in Finn's ear, and walking away. And it's Derek doing the same thing to Addison. And Addison smiles at him before he walks away.

"_I'm sorry... I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance... you have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am."_

"_Okay..."_

"_Okay?"_

"_I'm gonna go, you stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning."_

"_No, no, no... We can survive this. Derek, we can survive this. We're Addison and Derek."_

"_I look at you and I feel nauseous. We're not Derek and Addison anymore."_

"_If you go now... If you go now we're not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance... we don't have a chance."_

He's doing it again. Walking away. Or not. He's running away from Addison, but he's running after Meredith. If he makes a choice – if he finally makes up his mind – this could be considered running after what she wants, instead of running away from his problems. But he has to make up his mind.

If he goes into that exam room – if he chooses Meredith – he'll get his fresh air back. He'll go back to stealing kisses in elevators and having sleepless nights of sex. He'll go back to loving her and letting her love him. He'll go back to spending whole weeks at her house and having muesli with her friends. He misses that life. He wants it back. It's Meredith.

His fingers wrap around the handle of the door, and he thinks, for a second, about what he's leaving behind. Constant reminders of Mark. Misplaced shoes that trash the whole trailer. Yelling, screaming and bitching about his trailer, his fishing and his long hours. He doesn't want that. He won't miss it. It's not Addison.

"_Divorce papers."_

"_Your lawyer said they're ok. I haven't signed them yet. The ball's in your court. If you sign, I'll sign. I'll sign and be on the first plane out of here."_

"_I'll sign them immediately. I want you out of here as soon as possible."_

"_Derek, have you ever thought that, even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life?"_

And he pauses. Because that's not all. It's never as simple as that, and he knows it's not all good with Meredith, and not all bad with Addison. It's not fresh air and lack thereof. It's not fighting or stopping. It's so much more than that. Derek doesn't open the door, and he doesn't go back to the dance floor. He needs to make a choice, and he needs to make it now. This is the moment when he has to let that annoying voice in his head have a say. This is it.

Meredith loves him. And he loves her. It's crazy love, passionate love, breathtaking love. And Addison loves him. And he loves her. It's deep love, committed love, comfortable love. Meredith knows his favorite color, band, book and movie. Addison knows why they are his favorites. Meredith knows his mother's maiden name. Addison knows his mother. Meredith knows how many sisters, nieces and nephews he has. Addison knows them. Meredith loves McDreamy. Addison loves Derek.

Whatever he chooses – whatever he does with the door – he'll hurt, and one of them will, too. He'll hurt if he chooses to never kiss Meredith again. To never smell lavender in her hair and laugh at her ratty t-shirts. He'll hurt, and Addison will, too. And he'll hurt if he chooses to never call Addison his wife again. To never wake up to a curtain of red hair and laugh at her obsession with shoes. He'll hurt, and so will Meredith.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He thinks of them. Of Meredith kissing him in an elevator, waking him up with kisses, pulling him into his trailer, and telling him she misses him. And he tries to think of Addison, but he can't. Because it's Addison kissing him and him wishing she was Meredith, Addison thanking him for having sex with her while he thought of Meredith, Addison trying to be his wife while he thought about his girlfriend.

It's Meredith. And he opens the door and walks inside.

"_Just leave me alone."_

"_I just want to make sure you're all right."_

"_No! I'm not all right, ok? Are you satisfied? I'm not all right! Because you have a wife and you call me a whore and our dog died and now you're looking at me. __Stop looking at me!"_

"_I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you!"  
"You are looking at me! And you watch me. And Finn has plans and I like Finn. He's perfect for me! And I'm really trying here to be happy! And I can't breathe! I can't breathe with you looking at me like that! So just stop!"  
"Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal! She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Oh, man, I would give anything not to be looking at you!"_

Addison doesn't drive him crazy. She keeps him sane. She doesn't make it impossible for him to feel normal. She's the one that makes him feel normal. She doesn't make him sick to his stomach thinking about his veterinarian touching her with his hands. She let his best friend touch her with his hands. But he's not feeling sick to his stomach anymore. He's forgiven her. She made him forgive her.

And Meredith can't breathe. Because he's still looking at her. And he's been struggling to breathe ever since Addison came to Seattle. Because he kept looking at Meredith. And Finn is the one that keeps her breathing, just like Addison does to him. It was amazing while it lasted. It was what both of them needed, at the time. He was her McDreamy, and she was his breath of fresh air. They loved and were loved, and there are no regrets there. But they're not in love anymore.

He tells her he's sorry, and he is. Sorry for looking at her, for calling her a whore, for not letting her go. He's not sorry for picking her up at the bar, though, or for chasing her, or for choosing Addison. But she already knows that. They smile and share a friendly hug, a goodbye of sorts, because they know it's not really goodbye. They're still friends.

It's a moment. A fraction of a second. When they walk into the dance floor, talking, and he sees his wife. It's a look. And he knows what she's thinking. He knows what it looks like. She clenches her jaw and turns away, and he looks at her leave, unable to move or think.

"_You didn't show. So, um... I bought Chinese food. And I waited. It was good. Now it's lukewarm and old. Which makes it just like the food we used to have in medical school. So... Derek, are you done? Hurting me back, I mean. Cause I need to know. Cause if you're not... I gotta special order a thicker skin or something."_

It's raining in Seattle, just like that night. It's raining while he drives towards the trailer, hoping she's still there. Begging whoever's listening to make her stay there a little bit longer. Just enough to tell her he's done. Hurting her back. He's done and he's sorry. And he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he sees the lights are on in the trailer. She's there. She's always there.

"Addie."

She doesn't look at him. Maybe this is it. Maybe it wasn't Meredith or Addison. Maybe it was neither. And maybe it's for the best. He shakes his head and takes one last look at her.

"Goodbye, Addie."

And he's gone. Again. That's what he does. He walks away. And she doesn't have it in her to run after him again. She's tired of waiting, tired of hurting, tired of running, tired of fighting, and tired of loving. She's done. But what she's feeling is not relief. She feels empty, drained and alone. Because she made him her everything, and now he's left her with nothing.

"_Are you sleeping with my husband?"_

"_Not since before I knew he was married."_

"_Ok. Except, you know, it just... it felt like in the vet's office this morning, and then again in the elevator... it felt a little like you two were having a lover's quarrel?_

"_No. We're not. I've moved on. I'm dating Finn."_

"_You're dating the vet?"_

He's gone back to her. Of course he has. It's not surprising. Painful, yes, but not surprising. She knew it'd happen, sooner or later.

Addison finishes packing her clothes – just the basics, she'll get the rest tomorrow morning – and opens the door of the trailer, cursing the neverending rain. The door closes behind her and she sees him, standing in the rain. He didn't leave. Technically. But she likes technicalities.

"Derek?"

She hates herself for caring. For loving him this much. She wishes she could leave him there and hope he catches pneumonia. But she can't, and he hates him for that.

"Addie. I... I was thinking. Are you leaving?"

He looks shocked, and she has to fight the urge to scream at him. Make him react. Come on, Derek, you must have some kind of feeling for her somewhere deep inside. Even if it's hatred. She'll take whatever he gives her. She doesn't answer his question. She starts walking towards her car, leaving him behind.

"Addison! Wait. Don't go. Please give me another chance. Don't go."

"_If you go now we don't stand a chance."_

Her own words ring in her ears, even though it's been almost a year since she's said them. But why should she stay? Why, when he obviously doesn't want her? She shakes her head and keeps walking, trying not to cry. She doesn't need that on top of everything else.

She ignores him when he calls her name, and he runs after her and grabs her arm, making her stop. Addison's glares at him and he seems to hesitate for a second, but he shrugs it off and keeps his hand on her arm.

"I didn't sleep with Meredith. I was going to, but I didn't. Because I love you. For some unthinkable reason. I love your crappy morning moods, your allergy to all things outdoorsy, your millions of shoes, and everything else. I love that you're Addison Shepherd, even though I've made you think that's not enough. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Addie."

She lets out a small sniffle, because what the hell. It's raining, and she's cold and wet and cranky, and her husband's back. She's allowed a few tears in a moment like this.

"I'm not fighting anymore, Derek. I'm done fighting."

He smiles at her, because he knows it's all right. She's still there, and she's giving him a chance.

"I'll fight. It's my turn to fight."

"_Remember when we went to that one place?"_

"_With the boat?"_

"_No, no, not the boat. The boat was uh, was that other place."_

"_With the bed."_

"_Yeah, the big bed, and the sheets... Oh, and room service? Remember the fireplace?"_

"_Mmhm."_

"_No one ate my shoes there."_

"_We should go back there."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Yeah."_

It's been two weeks since the prom. Two weeks of fighting for her instead of with her. And he's happy. He's happy building a shoe rack for her insane collection of footwear. Happy with their almost daily visits to the architect that's designing their house. Happy making sure he's home for dinner every night. He's happy with her.

And he's happy when she rolls over and looks at him from her spot between the soft sheets of the big bed they're sharing, skin flushed and hair sticky with sweat.

"You know, I love this place. But you're supposed to be fighting, not taking vacations with your wife."

He chuckles and pulls her close, kissing a path up his neck to her ear.

"Well, considering I'm doing all the hard work in this bed, this qualifies as fighting."

She giggles at his words, and he kisses her softly, trying to remember a time when he felt happier than he is right now.

"I love this bed. We should buy one like this for the new house."

Derek smiles at her excitement when she talks about their new home, and he kisses her before speaking again.

"We should come to the place with the bed once a month from now on. Take the weekend off and come here to enjoy the big bed and the sheets and the fireplace."

And she smiles and lets him pin her down on the mattress, his lips finding hers once again, whispering "I love you" between soft kisses.

"I missed you, Derek."

And she knows this is the last time she's going to say those words.


End file.
